Shelbi

This is my precious angel Shelbi about 2 weeks ago. I would have tons more pics, but that digital camera keeps avoiding me.

Isn't she getting big? I just love her so much. That's Grandma in the background

I have had the BEST week ever. It started out by being totally a new experience because my mom wasn't talking to me, so I had to be totally independent, and do everything on my own, including planning (which I actually DID this week) my week, taking care of Shelbi totally on my own (which I usually do anyway, but it was easier this week), and taking care of calling people I needed to call, making it on time to my appointments, etc. It was great.

Then yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Brandi. She is in New Mexico, and I had been trying to get ahold of her forever. The last time we had talked, which was in 2003, I was in a really bad place with drugs, and messed up people, so I think I scared her away. But now, she called me. I told her I'd call her back, but she never picked up the phone. I'm worried about her, and I hope that I didn't say anything to upset her. But most of all, I hope that she knows she can trust me.

Anyway...I've been doing my devotions every day since before the beginning of the new year, and so far, I'm already in mid-February in my handy dandy John MacArthur Daily Bible. ( I love that thing!) But it was a struggle to stay focused in the chapters about building the tabernacle, and the ark of the covenant, and how big it had to be, and how it was to be constructed.....etc. Booooring. But every word in the Bible is relevant, so I studied it just the same.

I have been asking God to reveal Himself through my reading, and sometimes it works. But other times it just doesn't. I know that it all depends on the state of MY mind, and how in-line He and I are, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when I feel like my prayers aren't going any farther than the ceiling. (Sometimes not even that far)

I think that the big thing He's trying to teach me is that I'm not the one who has to do it all. I'm not even the one who has to do anything. The reason for that, let me explain, is because I am totally in-capable, inadequate, and weak. I have to constantly ask Him for the strength, for the clarity of mind, for the ability to function to the standard that is required of me..as a single mother, as a provider. Having another baby is totally going to change things. The areas where I'm able to slack now are going to disappear once this boy comes because having two children under the age of two is going to require me to be focused, organized, and I'll HAVE to have a "God Centered Focus" if I'm to succeed. Kinda like fun time is over. Or play time, anyway. But I'm already seeing how my life is going to dramatically change for the better if I keep it up. I can't afford to do it any other way.

So this is a growing time for me. I'm finding that I miss the old people less and less, and I'm freeing up my attention for any new friends that God has for me. I'm also really trying to stay involved in my church, which is a challenge because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone there.
I feel like they look at me and see a single, pregnant woman with a toddler, and no kind of respectable background.....which I expect them to see, but the challenge is to make them look past my circumstances, and see my heart, and that my heart truly is for God, and to serve Him. Time will tell, I suppose.

Anyway....if anybody actually reads this, I'm sure you're totally confused at this point.
Don't worry...me too.

Vent...Vent...Vent....

So Shelbi and I went home yesterday afternoon. We hadn't been home in about a week, and I was feeling bad that the house was being neglected. The heat was off, and it was FREEZING. I couldn't even pull into the drive way because there's too much snow, so I parked my car in the street (which isn't legal, I don't think) and spent the evening cleaning, and re-people-izing the house.

For the first time since we moved in there, the counters are totally bare, the table is cleaned off...I have hung almost all of the wall decorations, and we're about halfway done un-packing the garage. It's a looooong process. I can't help but feel like it's Christmas though when we're unpacking, because some of the stuff I find I haven't seen in years!! We've had to have a storage for the past 6 or so years, and we are just now in a place where we have the room to unpack everything!!! Yay!

Mom is mad at me though. Not sure why this time. She's barely spoken to me in about 3 days, and I dare not ask why because it'll go something like this...."Mom, are you okay?" and she'll breathe a sigh of relief because she doesn't have to give me the silent treatment anymore, but she'll try to hide it because she wants to pretend. Then she'll put down her book, take off her glasses and say something to the effect of..."Have you"....followed by "written down what you've spent?" or "come up with any ideas on how to make money?" or "Applied for any jobs?"etc..

Which will be followed by the EXACT SAME "No, mom. The ad is coming out on the tenth, and I have been praying about it, and I really feel like this is going to lead to more jobs." And then she'll go on and on about how little I really do, and how she CAN'T do more because she's sick, and I have to 'start' doing this or 'start' doing that, because she's NOT going to live like this anymore, and then I'll get emotional and tell her "Well, you don't have a choice because like it or not, I'm all you've got, and I'm doing my very best." And then she'll say, "You've already had one child, whom I love, don't get me wrong, but now you're having another one, and it's not that I mind, but you are creating more work for me, and you know I can't do as much as I used to, and do I need to go get a job? Do I need to look for a room-mate? Do I need to turn off the internet? Do I need to shut off the phones?....blah blah blah..." To which I'll reply "The Lord will provide for the things that we need, and we have to just trust in Him" and "I really am doing the best that I can..." And she'll say "But all you do is work a part-time job, and I have to pick up behind you at home, and here, and you never do anything, and you're draining me...." And then I'll cry and have to walk out of the room because she's taking it out on me, and it's not my fault, and she's being irrational, and there's no way to rationalize with an irrational person.

Then the next day will come, and we will get along...sometimes barely, but we WILL CONTINUE getting along like we always have done, and my faith will continue to grow because there is NO OTHER WAY to see a light at the end of the tunnel than to completely trust that God is using this time to mold me into the woman He wants me to be.

And in the meantime, I still don't get to shop like I want..and I still don't get to go out and do all the things I want, but by golly, I have food....and my babies have food.....and my Mom has everything she needs, and I have everything I need, and we still have two vehicles, and my baby girl is growing up strong, and healthy, and brilliant, and I have work, and I am able to go to school, and everything is better than it was this time last year, month, and week. Everything is ok.

I think my mom has to learn how to deal with not being in total control of everything, and it's maybe MY turn to be in control where she used to be, and that's impossible to for her handle because I don't do things as well as she did when she left off, and she would like to feel like I couldn't make it without her (which I sometimes wonder myself), but the truth is that she has to let go at some point, and let me take over. That means LET ME TAKE OVER. That doesn't mean that I'll get everything right all the time, nor does it mean that I know what I'm doing half the time, but it's MY job to leave it in HIS hands and HE will show me where to go.

Is this a blog? Or is this me venting.....could they be one and the same?

Praise God!!

Shelbi and I woke up at about the same time this morning, and the first thing she did was point to her mouth and say "Owie!" Ding Ding Ding!!! Sore throat. So I gave her some motrin (when I pulled it out of the diaper bag, she pointed and said 'Motrin!' She's so dang smart.
Then we ate oatmeal, she nibbled on a baby tomato (weird kid) and we sipped milk and juice. Then we settled down so I could do my morning devotion, and she could play. I thought, "she's not hungry, she's not thirsty, she's got Mattie (the dog) and various toys to keep her occupied. Perfect.

First, she wanted milk. Not a problem. I got up, went into the kitchen, and got her milk in a sippy cup. Fine. I sit back down...I'm reading in Exodus right now, and it's detailing how God told Moses he wanted the ark built, and how he wanted the holy temple built. When I say detailing, I mean DETAILING. Down to the color of threads used in the different curtains, and what kind of wood and such to build with. I'm trying to stay focused when I hear "Juice!!" She wants juice. Okay, okay. Not a big deal. We'll get juice. She can't want anything extra after that. I get up, go into the kitchen, and get another sippy cup with juice. Perfect. I give it to her, she smiles contentedly and waddles off to play with Mattie. I sit back down. I'm reading the monotonous text trying to pay attention and learn when I hear "Cheese!!" I look at her in disbelief. "Cheese? Do you want cheese?" "Uh huh!!". Okey dokey. Cheese it is. So, you guessed it, I get up. I go into the kitchen and she follows me to the fridge. I get out cheese. But she doesn't want it unwrapped. The last time I gave her unwrapped string cheese, she gnawed through the plastic and undoubtedly ingested pieces of the plastic with the cheese, so I open it part way this time. This displeases her, but at least the plastic is still attached. So we go BACK into the living room, and I'm wondering if I need to start all over with todays reading because I'm totally lost. No, I think. I'm not going to do that to myself. I still have Psalms, Proverbs and some in Matthew to cover. I'm good. I read, and actually get through to the Psalms. It's wonderful because I see a verse I learned a long time ago in Washington. It says " Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight Oh Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14.

Shelbi has now decided that she wants the plastic off all the way, and yes, it's alright if I help her. So she jerks to attention and remembers suddenly, "Grandma!!" I say, "Grandma? Do you want to go see Grandma?" She says "Si!" (She's a bilingual baby) Off we go!! Upstairs to see a sleeping Grandma! We get there, and she reluctantly sits on the bed, and decides no, she'd rather not stay with Grandma. So, as not to have completely wasted the trip upstairs, we brush our teeth, and give Grandma kisses, and go back downstairs. We've barely made it halfway down when she says frantically "Grandma?? Grandma!!" I say NO. Grandma is sleeping. She says "Ni Nite?" I say "Yes. Ni Nite." I sit back down to sip coffee and continue my reading. Silence.

When you have a toddler, one of the red flags you MUST pay attention to is silence. If there's silence, you most likely are needed. Sure enough, the little snot has crawled up the stairs, and is close to the top. I say "NO NO. Grandma is sleeping. Come back down here." "No." So I swiftly deliver two diaper swats and plop her down on the couch. She's heartbroken, and visibly exhausted. So she lays down. I think "Finally." Some peace and quiet.

*Cough. She's coughing. *Cough Cough. Does she need a drink? Then the coughs become fake. *COUGH COUGH COUGH *cough. *cough cough. THis goes on for a minute, and it's so cute my chest almost explodes. THen come the baby snores. My angel has drifted off.

What a huge blessing she is. How lovely my life is now that she is here with me. I hate to remember what it was like before her. So empty. So empty. Now, I'm getting another bundle of joy, and my cup runneth over. How can I stand to love two people so much without running out!!? But I manage, and not only does my love continue, it multiplies with each passing day.

If I, a human, can love so much and so un-conditionally, how much more does God love us. I think myself so un-worthy, and am sure that after all this time, He is fed up.

But if He loves me half as much and with a fraction as much patience, I'm in good shape. Praise God!!!!