Vent...Vent...Vent....
So Shelbi and I went home yesterday afternoon. We hadn't been home in about a week, and I was feeling bad that the house was being neglected. The heat was off, and it was FREEZING. I couldn't even pull into the drive way because there's too much snow, so I parked my car in the street (which isn't legal, I don't think) and spent the evening cleaning, and re-people-izing the house.
For the first time since we moved in there, the counters are totally bare, the table is cleaned off...I have hung almost all of the wall decorations, and we're about halfway done un-packing the garage. It's a looooong process. I can't help but feel like it's Christmas though when we're unpacking, because some of the stuff I find I haven't seen in years!! We've had to have a storage for the past 6 or so years, and we are just now in a place where we have the room to unpack everything!!! Yay!
Mom is mad at me though. Not sure why this time. She's barely spoken to me in about 3 days, and I dare not ask why because it'll go something like this...."Mom, are you okay?" and she'll breathe a sigh of relief because she doesn't have to give me the silent treatment anymore, but she'll try to hide it because she wants to pretend. Then she'll put down her book, take off her glasses and say something to the effect of..."Have you"....followed by "written down what you've spent?" or "come up with any ideas on how to make money?" or "Applied for any jobs?"etc..
Which will be followed by the EXACT SAME "No, mom. The ad is coming out on the tenth, and I have been praying about it, and I really feel like this is going to lead to more jobs." And then she'll go on and on about how little I really do, and how she CAN'T do more because she's sick, and I have to 'start' doing this or 'start' doing that, because she's NOT going to live like this anymore, and then I'll get emotional and tell her "Well, you don't have a choice because like it or not, I'm all you've got, and I'm doing my very best." And then she'll say, "You've already had one child, whom I love, don't get me wrong, but now you're having another one, and it's not that I mind, but you are creating more work for me, and you know I can't do as much as I used to, and do I need to go get a job? Do I need to look for a room-mate? Do I need to turn off the internet? Do I need to shut off the phones?....blah blah blah..." To which I'll reply "The Lord will provide for the things that we need, and we have to just trust in Him" and "I really am doing the best that I can..." And she'll say "But all you do is work a part-time job, and I have to pick up behind you at home, and here, and you never do anything, and you're draining me...." And then I'll cry and have to walk out of the room because she's taking it out on me, and it's not my fault, and she's being irrational, and there's no way to rationalize with an irrational person.
Then the next day will come, and we will get along...sometimes barely, but we WILL CONTINUE getting along like we always have done, and my faith will continue to grow because there is NO OTHER WAY to see a light at the end of the tunnel than to completely trust that God is using this time to mold me into the woman He wants me to be.
And in the meantime, I still don't get to shop like I want..and I still don't get to go out and do all the things I want, but by golly, I have food....and my babies have food.....and my Mom has everything she needs, and I have everything I need, and we still have two vehicles, and my baby girl is growing up strong, and healthy, and brilliant, and I have work, and I am able to go to school, and everything is better than it was this time last year, month, and week. Everything is ok.
I think my mom has to learn how to deal with not being in total control of everything, and it's maybe MY turn to be in control where she used to be, and that's impossible to for her handle because I don't do things as well as she did when she left off, and she would like to feel like I couldn't make it without her (which I sometimes wonder myself), but the truth is that she has to let go at some point, and let me take over. That means LET ME TAKE OVER. That doesn't mean that I'll get everything right all the time, nor does it mean that I know what I'm doing half the time, but it's MY job to leave it in HIS hands and HE will show me where to go.
Is this a blog? Or is this me venting.....could they be one and the same?
For the first time since we moved in there, the counters are totally bare, the table is cleaned off...I have hung almost all of the wall decorations, and we're about halfway done un-packing the garage. It's a looooong process. I can't help but feel like it's Christmas though when we're unpacking, because some of the stuff I find I haven't seen in years!! We've had to have a storage for the past 6 or so years, and we are just now in a place where we have the room to unpack everything!!! Yay!
Mom is mad at me though. Not sure why this time. She's barely spoken to me in about 3 days, and I dare not ask why because it'll go something like this...."Mom, are you okay?" and she'll breathe a sigh of relief because she doesn't have to give me the silent treatment anymore, but she'll try to hide it because she wants to pretend. Then she'll put down her book, take off her glasses and say something to the effect of..."Have you"....followed by "written down what you've spent?" or "come up with any ideas on how to make money?" or "Applied for any jobs?"etc..
Which will be followed by the EXACT SAME "No, mom. The ad is coming out on the tenth, and I have been praying about it, and I really feel like this is going to lead to more jobs." And then she'll go on and on about how little I really do, and how she CAN'T do more because she's sick, and I have to 'start' doing this or 'start' doing that, because she's NOT going to live like this anymore, and then I'll get emotional and tell her "Well, you don't have a choice because like it or not, I'm all you've got, and I'm doing my very best." And then she'll say, "You've already had one child, whom I love, don't get me wrong, but now you're having another one, and it's not that I mind, but you are creating more work for me, and you know I can't do as much as I used to, and do I need to go get a job? Do I need to look for a room-mate? Do I need to turn off the internet? Do I need to shut off the phones?....blah blah blah..." To which I'll reply "The Lord will provide for the things that we need, and we have to just trust in Him" and "I really am doing the best that I can..." And she'll say "But all you do is work a part-time job, and I have to pick up behind you at home, and here, and you never do anything, and you're draining me...." And then I'll cry and have to walk out of the room because she's taking it out on me, and it's not my fault, and she's being irrational, and there's no way to rationalize with an irrational person.
Then the next day will come, and we will get along...sometimes barely, but we WILL CONTINUE getting along like we always have done, and my faith will continue to grow because there is NO OTHER WAY to see a light at the end of the tunnel than to completely trust that God is using this time to mold me into the woman He wants me to be.
And in the meantime, I still don't get to shop like I want..and I still don't get to go out and do all the things I want, but by golly, I have food....and my babies have food.....and my Mom has everything she needs, and I have everything I need, and we still have two vehicles, and my baby girl is growing up strong, and healthy, and brilliant, and I have work, and I am able to go to school, and everything is better than it was this time last year, month, and week. Everything is ok.
I think my mom has to learn how to deal with not being in total control of everything, and it's maybe MY turn to be in control where she used to be, and that's impossible to for her handle because I don't do things as well as she did when she left off, and she would like to feel like I couldn't make it without her (which I sometimes wonder myself), but the truth is that she has to let go at some point, and let me take over. That means LET ME TAKE OVER. That doesn't mean that I'll get everything right all the time, nor does it mean that I know what I'm doing half the time, but it's MY job to leave it in HIS hands and HE will show me where to go.
Is this a blog? Or is this me venting.....could they be one and the same?
posted by Tedweena77 @ 2:11 PM
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