I have had the BEST week ever. It started out by being totally a new experience because my mom wasn't talking to me, so I had to be totally independent, and do everything on my own, including planning (which I actually DID this week) my week, taking care of Shelbi totally on my own (which I usually do anyway, but it was easier this week), and taking care of calling people I needed to call, making it on time to my appointments, etc. It was great.
Then yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Brandi. She is in New Mexico, and I had been trying to get ahold of her forever. The last time we had talked, which was in 2003, I was in a really bad place with drugs, and messed up people, so I think I scared her away. But now, she called me. I told her I'd call her back, but she never picked up the phone. I'm worried about her, and I hope that I didn't say anything to upset her. But most of all, I hope that she knows she can trust me.
Anyway...I've been doing my devotions every day since before the beginning of the new year, and so far, I'm already in mid-February in my handy dandy John MacArthur Daily Bible. ( I love that thing!) But it was a struggle to stay focused in the chapters about building the tabernacle, and the ark of the covenant, and how big it had to be, and how it was to be constructed.....etc. Booooring. But every word in the Bible is relevant, so I studied it just the same.
I have been asking God to reveal Himself through my reading, and sometimes it works. But other times it just doesn't. I know that it all depends on the state of MY mind, and how in-line He and I are, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when I feel like my prayers aren't going any farther than the ceiling. (Sometimes not even that far)
I think that the big thing He's trying to teach me is that I'm not the one who has to do it all. I'm not even the one who has to do anything. The reason for that, let me explain, is because I am totally in-capable, inadequate, and weak. I have to constantly ask Him for the strength, for the clarity of mind, for the ability to function to the standard that is required of me..as a single mother, as a provider. Having another baby is totally going to change things. The areas where I'm able to slack now are going to disappear once this boy comes because having two children under the age of two is going to require me to be focused, organized, and I'll HAVE to have a "God Centered Focus" if I'm to succeed. Kinda like fun time is over. Or play time, anyway. But I'm already seeing how my life is going to dramatically change for the better if I keep it up. I can't afford to do it any other way.
So this is a growing time for me. I'm finding that I miss the old people less and less, and I'm freeing up my attention for any new friends that God has for me. I'm also really trying to stay involved in my church, which is a challenge because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone there.
I feel like they look at me and see a single, pregnant woman with a toddler, and no kind of respectable background.....which I expect them to see, but the challenge is to make them look past my circumstances, and see my heart, and that my heart truly is for God, and to serve Him. Time will tell, I suppose.
Anyway....if anybody actually reads this, I'm sure you're totally confused at this point.
Don't worry...me too.
Then yesterday I got a call from my dear friend Brandi. She is in New Mexico, and I had been trying to get ahold of her forever. The last time we had talked, which was in 2003, I was in a really bad place with drugs, and messed up people, so I think I scared her away. But now, she called me. I told her I'd call her back, but she never picked up the phone. I'm worried about her, and I hope that I didn't say anything to upset her. But most of all, I hope that she knows she can trust me.
Anyway...I've been doing my devotions every day since before the beginning of the new year, and so far, I'm already in mid-February in my handy dandy John MacArthur Daily Bible. ( I love that thing!) But it was a struggle to stay focused in the chapters about building the tabernacle, and the ark of the covenant, and how big it had to be, and how it was to be constructed.....etc. Booooring. But every word in the Bible is relevant, so I studied it just the same.
I have been asking God to reveal Himself through my reading, and sometimes it works. But other times it just doesn't. I know that it all depends on the state of MY mind, and how in-line He and I are, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when I feel like my prayers aren't going any farther than the ceiling. (Sometimes not even that far)
I think that the big thing He's trying to teach me is that I'm not the one who has to do it all. I'm not even the one who has to do anything. The reason for that, let me explain, is because I am totally in-capable, inadequate, and weak. I have to constantly ask Him for the strength, for the clarity of mind, for the ability to function to the standard that is required of me..as a single mother, as a provider. Having another baby is totally going to change things. The areas where I'm able to slack now are going to disappear once this boy comes because having two children under the age of two is going to require me to be focused, organized, and I'll HAVE to have a "God Centered Focus" if I'm to succeed. Kinda like fun time is over. Or play time, anyway. But I'm already seeing how my life is going to dramatically change for the better if I keep it up. I can't afford to do it any other way.
So this is a growing time for me. I'm finding that I miss the old people less and less, and I'm freeing up my attention for any new friends that God has for me. I'm also really trying to stay involved in my church, which is a challenge because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone there.
I feel like they look at me and see a single, pregnant woman with a toddler, and no kind of respectable background.....which I expect them to see, but the challenge is to make them look past my circumstances, and see my heart, and that my heart truly is for God, and to serve Him. Time will tell, I suppose.
Anyway....if anybody actually reads this, I'm sure you're totally confused at this point.
Don't worry...me too.
posted by Tedweena77 @ 4:47 PM
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