Just another girl with a broken heart.

Yesterday was Berek Solano's 24th birthday. I spent my day with my son Berek and my daughter Shelbi. They came with me to work because my mother was too sick to watch them. It was a long, hard day. Today is shaping up to look about the same. I am so stressed out because I have to find some way to break free from my mother, but I have this dark cloud constantly over me. This dark cloud represents the illusion that I depend on her somehow, and without her, I cannot 'make it'. I just wish that I could break free once and for all. She might realize at some point that our relationship just isn't healthy the way it is now, and attempt to re-define it.

Sr. Hh called me on Monday, and we talked for a long time. He called me back, and I called him back, then at Wal-Mart, he hung up on me, or we got disconnected. I think probably that he hung up, but I didn't feel upset, I felt relieved. It's a burden to imagine that we might be together. Again, I somehow feel the illusion that I 'need' him for something, and that I'll be 'missing out' if he makes himself available to me and I don't take it. But I am so sick of men. Really. There's this gaping hole inside of me that I've tried so hard to fill with men of all shapes and sizes, race, age and creed, but so far, nothing has worked. I spent a few minutes the other day thinking about my history from about 14 up until now. It's been almost 10 years now. I have not had one relationship to speak of since Kris. Not really one before that either, except maybe Matt Schuster. But that was a catastrophe waiting to happen....and it did. Since Kris, I have dated (and I use this term loosely) Steve, Mappy, Jim, Joe R., Billy, Ryan, Lamont, <--eewww..., hmmm.... let's see. I know there's more: OH. Tim, Sean, Nino, Poncho...<--That was as real as it got for me, and it wasn't real at all. Really, I haven't had one meaningful relationship since Kris. Why is that? Why do I have this pattern that keeps me from growing? I do complicate my life. I can't just let it be. I am incapable of 'experiencing and enjoying'. I have to 'struggle and endure'. It's ridiculous.

And now this 'thing' with Carlos just has me pissed off. PISSED Off. I don't understand.

The number one thing that I am terrified of happening is happening! I am eating and eating and eating, and un-doing all of the good that has happened over the last few months. I am totally unsatisfied, totally hungry, totally empty. I know what the damn answer is too. I fucking KNOW what the answer is. But I know that when I run back to God, the devil will make sure to throw something at me that is irresistable. Something that I cannot say no to. I am trapped. I'm trapped by my own evil desires, as well as my God-given hunger for something real.

God help me.

Shelbi dancing with Ian

Shelbi eating Chocolate and holding some of her Gazillions of My Little Ponies

This is Berek. Isn't he big!!