Him

It's unbelievable that I'm back here, but I think it's only for a short time. I believe that it's sort of a decision point. Not that I have the option of success any other place than where I have been placed at the moment, but I am tempted to wonder if that by deciding that this is somehow best for me, then I will be deciding for myself to stay or go....as if going were an option. If I were to go right now, nothing would go as I hope it might someday. That life can never be......

As much as I like to dream, I know that it's impossible. I can see him.....I can hear music when I see him, but it's not him that I see, it's who I want him to be. He himself is someone totally different, someone totally foreign... Sure, we speak the same language, but do we really? I mean, can he know how much it means to me? Surely, if he did, he wouldn't say some of the things that he says. I know he says these things to so many others, even though he sidesteps around denying it.

I'm so NOT confused, that's just it. I am trying to put myself into an illusion that says that I am somehow in control. Am I fooling myself into thinking that I am somehow being noble? Like I am choosing right over wrong, nobility over selfishness, family over lustfull desires. I am pretending that I have a life that is available to me and that it would be successful, if only I would sacrifice that which is so important.

This is truly a time of self reflection. As if I am missing out, when I know that I could not even if I wanted to. So why even entertain the thought? Why even keep up contact? Why did I contact him in the first place? Closure? I am getting that, I suppose. I thought that he would be in a different, albeit better place. When in fact, his childish ways are only worsening as he ages.

Will he ever find true love? Maybe he finds it in everyone. Maybe his true love is the 'Change Partner'. He finds safety in that ever growing number of notches in his belt. The new, beautiful, adoring, young girl? The experienced Cougar who truly is the only one to see and fulfill all his deepest desires. He has to have both, however, in a steady turnover in order to stay satisfied. His hunger seems to be impossible to satisfy. I could be wrong, but in the past, when I have been totally honest, I have rarely been wrong.

Is there a woman alive who, after being seduced in by his very presence, can look at this image of the mysterious AB77 and not feel moved to sweet, violent passion? If she can, I cannot understand her.

I think he must know this. That is why and how he does what he does. Therefore, I cannot put one more ounce of genuine energy or interest into the pursuit of a ghost because inevitebly...INEVITEBLY...and without a precious, needed doubt, I will suffer another broken heart. But I believe that my heart was made to be broken. It is not only easily broken, it is also easily mended by the next "him".

Wow, we may have too much in common, come to think of it.

How ironic.

More changes, more things staying the same.

It's been so very long since I wrote on this thing. Without mentioning any names, I will go into the story of my love life.
You see, there's this guy. He came into my life and turned it upside-down. He cleans my house, cares for the children right along-side of me, pays for things, and always thinks of me. He shows me that he thinks of me by buying my lotto tickets sometimes, or grabbing extra packs of cigarettes just because. I love him. I do love him, just in a different way than I've ever loved anyone. I do not understand it because physically, he is not my type. I won't go into what exactly my type is right now, though. It's not necessary to go into all that.

My life is too wrapped up in other people, I think. I think that maybe I should focus more on myself and what is best for me. It's hard because I don't like to look inward. It's depressing to do that. I am so afraid that little by little, I am losing my mind. NOT like going crazy, although I do feel that sometimes too. I just mean, losing my ability to intelligently figure out things, problem solve, if you will. It always amazes me when a 6 or 7 year old out-thinks me. I can't help but think that that's not normal. Like, I am getting dumber the older i get. The older I get, the more i realize that I don't know. I am still learning all the stuff that I thought I knew forever ago.

Just another girl with a broken heart.

Yesterday was Berek Solano's 24th birthday. I spent my day with my son Berek and my daughter Shelbi. They came with me to work because my mother was too sick to watch them. It was a long, hard day. Today is shaping up to look about the same. I am so stressed out because I have to find some way to break free from my mother, but I have this dark cloud constantly over me. This dark cloud represents the illusion that I depend on her somehow, and without her, I cannot 'make it'. I just wish that I could break free once and for all. She might realize at some point that our relationship just isn't healthy the way it is now, and attempt to re-define it.

Sr. Hh called me on Monday, and we talked for a long time. He called me back, and I called him back, then at Wal-Mart, he hung up on me, or we got disconnected. I think probably that he hung up, but I didn't feel upset, I felt relieved. It's a burden to imagine that we might be together. Again, I somehow feel the illusion that I 'need' him for something, and that I'll be 'missing out' if he makes himself available to me and I don't take it. But I am so sick of men. Really. There's this gaping hole inside of me that I've tried so hard to fill with men of all shapes and sizes, race, age and creed, but so far, nothing has worked. I spent a few minutes the other day thinking about my history from about 14 up until now. It's been almost 10 years now. I have not had one relationship to speak of since Kris. Not really one before that either, except maybe Matt Schuster. But that was a catastrophe waiting to happen....and it did. Since Kris, I have dated (and I use this term loosely) Steve, Mappy, Jim, Joe R., Billy, Ryan, Lamont, <--eewww..., hmmm.... let's see. I know there's more: OH. Tim, Sean, Nino, Poncho...<--That was as real as it got for me, and it wasn't real at all. Really, I haven't had one meaningful relationship since Kris. Why is that? Why do I have this pattern that keeps me from growing? I do complicate my life. I can't just let it be. I am incapable of 'experiencing and enjoying'. I have to 'struggle and endure'. It's ridiculous.

And now this 'thing' with Carlos just has me pissed off. PISSED Off. I don't understand.

The number one thing that I am terrified of happening is happening! I am eating and eating and eating, and un-doing all of the good that has happened over the last few months. I am totally unsatisfied, totally hungry, totally empty. I know what the damn answer is too. I fucking KNOW what the answer is. But I know that when I run back to God, the devil will make sure to throw something at me that is irresistable. Something that I cannot say no to. I am trapped. I'm trapped by my own evil desires, as well as my God-given hunger for something real.

God help me.

Shelbi dancing with Ian

Shelbi eating Chocolate and holding some of her Gazillions of My Little Ponies

This is Berek. Isn't he big!!

Holy Hotness, Batman!!

Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance....

But...But.....

Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry
and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in
strife and envy.

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no
provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.

Romans 13:13-14

Praise God for forgiveness

This week's promise: God will never stop working in our lives


He who began will not quit


"And I am sure that God, who began a good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.
Philippians 1:6 NLTLet this encourage God's holy people to endure persecution patiently and remain firm to the end, obeying his commands and trusting in Jesus.

Revelation 14:12 NLT"


About this week's promise: "God's promise to continue working in our lives requires perseverance on our part.Whether you are an athlete undergoing grueling physical conditioning, an employee struggling under a mountain of work, or a Christian suffering persecution, the key to perseverance is a clear vision of the goal.While the goal of an athlete is to win the race and goal of the employee is a job well done, the goal of the believer is nothing less than eternity in the presence of the Lord.The writer of Revelation encourages Christians to keep their eyes on Jesus, who will reward the faithful, and to obey his Word to the end. When you feel like giving up, remember the glory that awaits you as a child of God.

Pay attention!

The Lord says:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way
you should go; I will guide you with My eye.

Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.

Psalms 32:8-9



My